Tommy's Glasses

I've been playing around lately with the idea of sight. I was re-reading my journal the earlier this week, and in September, I wrote about my brother getting glasses and commenting on how different he seemed, and how I thought that "sight" for him had come in not just the literal, but several other, forms. The idea of "sight" really focused my thoughts this week, and has left me thinking about the many different ways we can see things, or in most cases, the way that we choose to see them. I also put my musings in terms of the holidays and the winding down of another year, and that also helped to provide me with an interesting lense.

Okay, take sight in the most literal sense. Our eyes are the windows to our world, and I am fascinated by the details that each of us see and how I can be looking at the same thing as anyone else, and come to different conclusions or have an entirely new detail pointed out to me. My eyesight is very poor, and without my glasses or contacts, I need the aid of my memory to help me navigate through my surroundings. The two most recent memories that I have of not especially having my sight were when I went face-first into the edge of a door at Nick's that I swear, came out of nowhere. The other was when I came out of my room one morning and squinted at Kirstin, who was coming out of the bathroom and I said "Kir, that's a really nice dress", I felt so proud of myself for being able to pick out that she was wearing a dress! Until she said "Nic...this is my robe..." Awww man. Sometimes when I'm analyzing the minutae of my life, I think about what my life would have been like if I'd been born well before contacts or it was acceptable for young women to wear "spectacles". Everytime I get a new prescription, I make sure that I look at a tree because I can see every leaf, I swear, and they look even more beautiful because I can actually see them.

How we choose to view the world and interpret all of its happenings is also one of my versions of "sight". I had this really fantastic conversation with my mom on Black Friday, where she was telling me how I choose to see the world is directly related to the outcome of my life. And she was referring to me being down in the dumps over several things, the least of which being a stressful month at work, and how if I view everything as awful and negative, then everything will seem awful and negative, and I'll somehow draw negative energy to me. But, if I take things in stride, and try to find the good, then I'll be drawing more positive energy and my experiences will at least seem more positive. We got into more personal things, and it really helped me to turn my view around and not be so hard on myself and the people closest to me. I have chosen to see everything more positively this week, and voila! Life has been on a definite upswing, and even the people around me seem to be responding differently. The holidays seem a little more cheerful, people nicer, and my butt smaller.

I took a lot in last night when I went to dinner with a few of my girlfriends. It's amazing me to me how we only see the flaws in ourselves. My friends are beautiful, beautiful women, and yet we were all so easily able to pick our our flaws and insecurities. And we didn't see any of those flaws in each other. Funny, isn't it, how we are our own worst/best frenemy? A scene from the ill-fated show "Roswell" comes to mind when Liz and Max touched hands for the first time, she said "I actually saw myself how Max sees me, and I look perfect and beautiful...he sees none of the imperfections that I always see in myself". Our personal sight is the thing that is flawed, and I think that we (a collective 'we') need to see ourselves a little less harshly and just be happy for the 'flaws', because, really, that's what keeps us humble. But, celebrate them too... I wrote this poem in 7th grade called "This is Me; I Am"... Who are you? I have a three hour train ride today, I'm really going to make my list.

I'm totally embracing the holidays this year, and I'm seeing how much I love my family because I miss being around them this time of year. I miss seeing my mom dancing around the kitchen to WSUS and baking and talking to Frankie...with the intermittent "Frankie! NO!" I miss hearing my brother describe his hunting and plowing exploits. I miss my dad talking about the craziness of the store. And I really miss teaching, especially this time of year. My classroom would be decorated, and I'd be playing Christmas music from Pandora, and my students totally loving it as we planned our Christmas parties. My sight has been adjusted and appreciating the little things and details that I didn't see before, but I see in my mind's eye in stark, nostalgic clarity. But now I'm seeing my own traditions coming into focus, and spending a new holiday season with wonderful friends, and the time with my family being that much more special. It really is the most wonderful time of the year, if you want to take the time to look.

Merry Christmas, early! And yes, my cards are written.

Christmas Card Crisis

My Christmas Cards are staring at me.

I'm serious. I bought my Christmas cards yesterday, and this has turned into a colossal mistake. This morning, I made my Christmas card list. Tonight, I'm trying to force myself to not start writing them out. The post office doesn't even have the holiday stamps yet, Thanksgiving has yet to put us in a food coma, and I'm having to find reasons to NOT write my cards. Black Friday, my favorite (no, really, it is) shopping day of the year hasn't put me into bargain hunter heaven yet....the 25 Days of Christmas haven't started...and I'm thinking about Christmas cards almost obsessively.

And while I'm on this, let me just get on my soap box for a second. I celebrate CHRISTMAS. So my cards will say CHRISTMAS. And it's getting more and more difficult to find cards that even say "Christmas". I completely agree with Ben Stein in his tongue-in-cheek view of how politically correct we as a society have become where we worry about offending someone by spreading the good will of the season by saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays". Why do even good will and offerings of peace have to be dictated by this country's incredibly stifling need of political correctness? If someone were to wish me "Happy Hanukkah", I wouldn't be slighted or offended in the least, I'd just be happy that a complete stranger felt the good will toward another human being to say something nice. If we are so concerned about offending people, let's take Santa out of the picture and start looking at our everyday interactions with people, particularly on the road or at work. Or think about how we talk to the people in our lives. If you're going to get offended, get offended by the way your boss talks to you, or by the way someone doesn't say "excuse me", or by the way people abuse their power at the expense of the innocent. But don't get offended by someone saying "Merry Christmas". Let's keep it in perspective. And my cards will say Christmas. So MERRY CHRISTMAS.

But, I digress. Soap box didn't scratch the card writing itch.

So, I worked out.

Just in case you didn't know, let me TELL you, P90X is not the type of workout regime that you just arbitrarily say, "Yeah, that seems like a good idea" and then pick it up willy nilly. Lesson learned today. Ease oneself back into P90, don't do all of the reps, and don't even ATTEMPT the #$&!-ing "Dreya Roll" the first few times out. But, I'm sure most people aren't as arrogantly hard-headed as I am when it comes to what they are physically able to do. I think I have the same kind of complex that a chihuahua does. I think I am so much bigger than I actually am, and I don't really have a realistic view of what my physical limitations are, or that I'm not intimidating. Similarly, I think that I'm much taller than I actually am, and I'm used to my perception of heights of both myself and others. So when I see pictures of myself with other people, I'm always shocked at how little I actually am! Pictures with my family lie; we're all short. Pictures with certain friends also lie, because they are also petite. But when I saw a picture of myself with a certain gangster, I was like....holy hell, I'm a wee one! And, I'd like to add, I was in 3 or 4 inch heels. I guess I'm travel size?

BUT, the soreness in, well, everywhere, and a muscle strain headache did not diminish the strong desire to write out Christmas cards.

So, I changed my clothes over instead.

And that turned into a very productive hour of turning the wardrobe from summer to winter, and realizing that the quantity of sweaters I have would put Felicity to shame. It was going great, cleaning out my drawers, throwing out things that I don't wear, are stained, etc...having a nice conversation with my mom, and then WHACK!

Ella head-butted an open drawer when she was trying to jump off of my bed.

Yes, that's right.

Yes, cats ARE supposed to have great depth perception.

Apparently, mine doesn't. Smh. And now she's afraid to jump off of the bed.

Even that has not lessened the craving for the Christmas cards.

So, I'm blogging instead. ;)

First Quarter Grade Report

Has anyone else noticed the plethora of natural disasters to hit in the last year? Tsunami, earthquake (where there shouldn't be any!), hurricanes (where there shouldn't be any!), and snow storms in October? I don't know about anyone else, but I think that Mother Nature, God, the Universe...whatever you believe in, is trying to tell us something. I'm not really sure what, and I think that the message is pretty relative...but I've been thinking about this lately.

The last couple of months have been eye-opening in basically all aspects. Have you ever felt like you've been in exactly the right place at the right time? Like you're supposed to be somewhere? And because you're there, everything falls into place and you didn't even try? That's how I've felt since moving here. Life has certainly taken a turn into an extremely positive direction, and I have found myself being happy, I mean really, really, happy. Happier and more content than I have been in recent memory. You all know that I'm one of the faithful, and for the first time in my life, I have found that my prayers have been more of thanks, instead of asking for something. I have so much to be thankful for, and so much so, that I'm even thankful for the days that keep me humble. I have met some truly wonderful friends, and the kind of friends that I hope will be around for quite awhile! I'm so proud of the friends that I have from home, and I'm thrilled with the friendships that we have. I love being in touch with all of you, and the conversations/texts/and messages that we share so valuable to me, and make my day when they happen! I miss you terribly, but keeping in touch is making me value my friends so much more.

And, who would've thought that meeting up with your friend's brother for a friendly drink would turn into a great cooking duo and awesome napping buddy? And, yeah, the cliche is true. I wasn't expecting it. I'm closer with my family, and close with the family that I want to be close to. And I'm really done with apologizing or trying to justify why some relationships flourish and others flounder. I'm also finding that I'm adopting the "live and let live" mantra in practice, rather than simply in theory. It's SO freeing to come the realization that "it's not my issue" and just let things go. That's something that I have been working on for the last year, and in the last couple of months, I feel like I've gotten it. The job that I'm doing is also making me develop a thicker skin and not take things so personally, so I'm also learning how to really separate the personal from the professional and not let work impact my personal life and the way that I see myself so much. I'm also becoming more confident in myself, and developing the ability to really stand my ground. I have also found that I really miss teaching. I like the interaction with the students, and the camaraderie with the teachers, and I really miss History! I miss researching my lessons, writing lectures, making PowerPoints, creating group processes, and seeing the progress that my students make throughout the year. It was so fulfilling, and I really miss it. I even miss having a grading party with Kirstin at home during Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune. So, the next three-quarters of a year will also be a great way of letting me know what I'd like to do for the rest of my career as well.

I'm interested in being able to look back on this time 10 years or so from now, because I feel like this year is going to be a coming-of-age in the adult-sense, and it already is. I think that we all go through that....new beginnings and feeling the need to make changes that will bring us closer to where we want to be.

Severed Thumbs, Monsoons, and Karaoke: DC Week 1

It's been almost a week, and wow, what a week it has been. First, I have to thank, by name, all of the incredible friends that helped me to move: John, Tommy, Jason, Matzy, Sean, Steph, Zack, and of course, Seamus. Thank you, so so SO much for making Day 1 of the move a huge success. My brother (also a Tommy) and dad were the drivers of the truck and trailer (story to be told subsequently) to DC. And, as I'll explain, it was no easy feat for us to get down here!

Pre-move: Thursday 8/11/11. Going away party at Monica's house with the FTS family. I already miss all of you, and I wish that you were down here with me! The outpouring of support, encouragement, and "how the hell could you do this?!" were just incredible, and so overwhelming because I truly realized what a wonderful, unique place Frankford truly is. I fully plan on crashing the DC trip in the Fall, and SB1 and I are already attempting to plan her first visit. Speaking of SB1, thank you and Jen for the going away gifts. You guys are the greatest. And Monica, thank you so, so much for the party; it meant so much more than words can describe! Even Caleb's disaster of slicing off a piece of his thumb made it a memorable and par-for-the-course FTS night!

Moving Day 1: 8/12/11. I woke up in the worst mood, ever. I was so stressed and didn't want to deal with any of the move that was ahead of me because I was so overwhelmed by the mountain of boxes that had taken over the living room, dining room, hallway, and kitchen. Breakfast with Tommy was the greatest thing that I could have done. Thank you, TH, for not letting me cancel on you, and for getting me laughing. My dad got to 12 Woodport at 9:30am, and WOW...he kept Kirstin and I laughing, organized, and calm the entire day. Even when we went to go pick up our 17-foot truck, and found that the rental place only had a 14-foot truck! After discovering that there wasn't a 17-foot truck in a 40-mile radius, we decided to take the 14-footer, and the trailer that could hitch to it. On the way back to our apartment, I had to detour to Staples to fax some paperwork to get my car title transfered to DC, and Kir and Dad went with the truck. After slamming on the brakes to avoid an ambulance and hearing the furniture pads (which, oh yeah, we ordered 12, but only received 4) and the dolly slamming around, they made it back....only to discover a huge hole in one of the tires. Yikes! Lunch rejuvenated us, and we called the UHaul repair service, and they quoted a time of between 2 and 4 hours for the repair. But, at least we could load the truck in the meantime. Which we started doing. At this point, the boys came and were a steady and consistent stream of labor. By the time the day ended at 8pm and the remaining movers had dinner, I felt like a zombie, but that didn't stop me from inhaling the mozz sticks and MEAT pizza that we ordered. Nom. Sleep couldn't come soon enough.

Moving Day 2: 8/13/11. Otherwise known as "The Day it Monsooned on 95 and The Phones Were Lost". First, Kir left her phone at my dad's, so we had to back track and get there. Then, I had left my phone in our old apartment when we went to go pick up the cats (who were completely freaked out!). At this point, I'm just happy that my mother was there to keep saying "it's fine". That was her mantra the entire day, and I am so grateful for it. We had expected that the truck was going to be behind us, BUT, due to all of our delays, traffic, torrential downpours, bathroom stops, and my brother's comfort with driving huge vehicles (occupational hazard!) the truck ended up beating us to V Street by a few minutes! I have to plug Town and Country Movers here because, if anyone ever needs movers to the DC/Maryland/Virginia area, I'd go with them. The movers that met us here were so professional quick. They had the truck and trailer unloaded in under 2 hours. The same truck and trailer that took us an entire day to load. Granted, packing takes longer, but still. They were fantastic. Call them. Use them. Kir's parents were so great and optimistic the whole day, too. Sal put together...well, just about everything, and Donna organized a kitchen that (we didn't remember) has less than half the cabinet space than we had had in Sparta. Whew. My brother and father put together my furniture and special kudos to Tommy for putting together the all-important shoe rack. If Braden is reading this, I know he's cringing right now at the thought of my immense shoe collection.

My friend Alex, who has been a priceless source of support, laughs, drinks, and information about the city made us a great dinner, where we indulged in the bottle of wine from Aunt Karen and Uncle Rich (loved it!) and then she and I met up with some of her friends. By the time I fell into bed after midnight, I was full, buzzed, and happy to be here.

Week 1:

I have been blessed to have this week off so that I could get so many little errands done that add up to making the transition a much smoother one. I did my pre-employment physical, TB test, criminal history check (stop laughing), opened my bank accounts, food shopped, met with HR, got my temporary parking permit, found my running route, and had my car inspected. WHEW. Exhausting, but so productive, and the indirect benefit of all of that trucking around has been that I am getting familiar with my new city! I'm getting pretty good at finding parking, and understanding the nuances of the various places to park, and my parallel parking is getting to a point that I'm proud to say is almost professional. I've cleaned the dickens out of this condo, and cooking has made it smell like home, too.

I've been meeting some incredible people, and that has really been the bread and butter of this week so far. I went to karaoke last night, had the time of my life, and I had even signed up to SING! Unfortunately, I was 2 or 3 names away from singing by the time karaoke was over, but I'm sure there will be a repeat performance. And, I'm SO happy that a few of my childhood friends are here, as well as some college ones. Reconnecting with them, in addition to meeting new friends, has made this week, and I'm sure subsequent weeks to come, so much fun. Thank you, my friends in NJ, for texting or calling this week to send little messages of love and support. You all mean the world to me, and seeing your name in the text line or caller ID makes me smile. DC friends, I'm so happy to have met you and I can't wait for the good times to roll!

Monday 8/22, is when work starts, so I'm sure that I'll have quite a bit to say by the end of next week! Can't wait! Love you all, and I hope that you are has happy, content, and inspired as I am right now. <3

July 4, 1776

It's been quite awhile since I have written, and it's not been because I haven't been thinking or doing anything; in fact, it's because too much has been going on and I haven't found the time or the way to organize my thoughts. I'm currently reading "The Help", and I am finding it so inspiring because of the courage that the characters had to make changes in the face of truly dangerous adversity and hypocrisy. It is inspiring me to continue to find the courage to go on with my own slightly crazy, life-changing, and totally needed, adventure.

I'm moving. To Washington, DC. In 3 weeks.

I toyed with the idea of making this a facebook post, but that just seemed too public for me...the only ones of you that read this are those that actually care--at least a little--about what is going on in my life, or are just so nosy that you'd mole it out anyway. To the former, thank you for being such a constant source of support, encouragement, love, and friendship. To the nosy ones...I understand.

Those of you that called, texted, wrote, or posted, when the news broke at school--I am so grateful and touched that you made the effort. I have made such wonderful, amazing friends at FTS, and if I could just move 2 Pines Road to DC, I absolutely would in a second to have everyone there. The friendships that we have will not be lost through time or distance, as I fully intend on sending a few of you a "that's what she said" text message every morning...just to cover the entire day. I'll be visiting to have "fruit", pitchers of margaritas, cake, and "F-ing Fridays" with you regularly!

And just to be clear. This move is for me. And me alone. Ella didn't even have a say. No one did. The decision was made, and when I told my family, I wasn't asking for permission. I was telling them my plans, and asking for help and support. I've needed a change for quite sometime. I have felt so suffocated and stifled. I've been trying to make little changes for the past year or so, from "dating myself" to looking for houses, to joining a gym...and everything in between. I've never lived outside of my perfect little bubble. The new year hit me hard, and then my birthday hit me harder because it made me realize how many experiences I haven't had because I haven't taken the risk or given myself the chance. I wasn't ready to go away to school at 18, and that was fine. But I am ready to go away now. And now is truly the perfect time to go--let's face it...I just have Ella. And she goes wherever the cat-carrier door opens.

Will I fail? There's no chance of failure; it doesn't exist. I'm ambitious, stubborn, driven, and scrappy. If you know me well, at all, you'd know that I'll do whatever I need to do in order to be successful in any endeavor. Sky's the limit, and I'm shooting for the moon. I'm going to get my cheese, as the saying goes.

Friendships and long-distance moves aren't two things that one would think are things that complement one another. Please please please know that I am going to be the most amazing person at keeping in touch EVER! Invitations to visit, and me regularly invading your homes to visit will be happening. You all mean entirely too much to me to not keep in touch. And let's put it in perspective...it's 4 hours away. Not far at all. :-)

I'm so excited for this move. The energy of the city is palpable to me, and I can feel it, and I am so drawn to it. I am ready for the opportunities, all of them, that are going to be presenting themselves to me, and I know that it is going to be the best thing that I have ever done for myself.

I'm also excited to send out those little "I've moved!" cards....I know... ;-) <3

I guess how I want to wrap this up is that I want you to be inspired to do the thing that you think you can't. I didn't think that this--all of it-- would actually happen, and it is. The biggest rewards come from the greatest risks, and I think that we all have that little voice inside of us that keeps saying "what if??" Listen to that voice....it's the one that made you want to be an astronaut or doctor or President when you were a little kid. That voice is so loud when we are children and we silence it as we get older until it is no more than a whisper when we are at our most whimsical. Because we have to be practical, or reasonable, or rational. If I silenced that voice, I wouldn't be moving. But I've listened, and the past few months have been the very best of my adult life because I am doing the very thing that I want to do, but have been so afraid to do...until now. :-)

Break-Up Etiquette 101

I think that everyone should be a fan of country music. If you don't understand it, then you probably think that it's just about pick-up trucks, lost love, and fishing. But, I love listening to country because those songs are actually about life. Don't get me wrong, I love me my J.Lo and Britney, but if I want to feel connected to music, I listen to country. Country concerts are the best experiences because of the types of people that go...it's the least pretentious and most laid back and fun group. Last year, I went to a concert with a group of friends, and a beer pong tournament was started by my friends heckling random passers-by to play (and lose!) to them. Awesome. Cowboy hats, boots, plaid shirts, bbq, and beer. It is American nostalgia at its best.

That being said, I'm feeling the angry, self-righteous power-girl kind of country right now. "Red High Heels", "Picture to Burn", "You Lie", and others are running through my head right now because of the horrific breach(es) of post-break-up etiquette my ex-boyfriend continues to demonstrate. I think that there are certain rules to a break up that some people just doesn't get. Let's review:

1. We broke up, we are not friends.

One of my favorite movies, "Cocktail", sums up break-ups in a line "All things end badly or else they wouldn't end." Exactly. I don't care how "mutual" a break up appears to be, there was someone who initiated it and someone who was just hurt and surprised. SO, when you break up with me in a parking lot because our exchange needs to be "audio and video recorded", don't you dare try to dance with me a birthday party. We are not friends. I don't like you. My friends don't like you. My family doesn't like you. Just go away.

The entire concept of attempting to be friends with an ex is just lunacy. Why do we try to hold onto these people and keep them in our lives? The only thing that I can come up with is that we are all inherently "people pleasers" and don't want to be seen as the "bad one" or an "ass" or a "bitch". Personally, I don't consider any of my exes my friends. I am on friendly terms with two of them, and that is mostly because so much time has gone by where the hurt feelings are a thing of the past, and we no longer see each other as "options". But as far as being friends, that's a real stretch. I don't call them to go out, I don't confide in them, I don't plan vacations with them...etc. I think that we confuse being polite and civil in social situations as being "friends". I'll always be polite and civil in public, but that doesn't mean for one second that I am to be confused as being a friend.

When a break up happens, the two people involved wanted out of each other's lives for one reason or another, so WHY do we sometimes want back in through the "friendship" door? Sorry, but the rule is, that door is locked.

2. "Ex" and "Booty Call" are NOT synonymous.

I've thankfully never had this happen to me, but I know men and women who are broken up using one another for hook-ups. I get it, we have needs, wants, etc. And an ex is familiar and comforting in many ways. But again....the person that you want to get your whooppeee on with was someone that either hurt you really badly or someone that you couldn't stand to be with in a relationship anymore! WHYYYY are you sleeping with them?! That's not going to get them back, it's not going to make it any easier to get over them (no matter which side of the break up you were on), and it's going to make a difficult situation even more difficult. Just let them go. If you didn't want to be in a relationship with one another, with the good and the bad, you don't get to have the a la carte of just the benefits.

3. Don't date my friends.

Yeah, it's the greatest revenge sometimes, but seriously? We aren't in high school anymore. And I'm not talking about the acquaintances that were invited to parties and larger get-togethers, those men/women are perfectly fine because they were on the periphery. Don't try to date or hook-up with the core group of friends. That's just so wrong. There really isn't a whole lot to say here...just don't do it. If you want revenge, lose some weight or get a great haircut. Or pull the Kate Middleton and look fantastic while having a great time without your ex.

4. "Custody" of certain friends is NOT shared.

In this case, the origin of the friendship needs to be examined in order to determine custody. Here is an example to illustrate my point: Billy becomes friends with Steve and Tammy through dating Liz. Tammy and Steve were good friends of Liz's before Billy came into the picture. Liz and Billy break up. Custody of Steve and Tammy goes to Liz. UNLESS there are extreme circumstances in which Liz was the one who was in the wrong in the course of the break up. Follow? This includes Facebook. Don't "friend" them on Facebook, and make an effort with my friends AFTER we break up. Especially when no effort was made during the relationship.

If two people who are both part of a group of mutual friends start dating and break up, custody is shared and is determined by the friends themselves. You'll unfortunately have to see one another in public, if you both choose to remain in the group. It'll be awkward, and one of you will most likely end up pulling away at least a little bit.

5. You have no say over my life, and no right to any opinions about it.

In Season 2 of "Grey's Anatomy", Meredith went through this really wild phase after Derek left her for Addison and he had the nerve to call her a whore. Her response was the most amazing thing ever: "You don't get to call me a whore and you don't get to judge how I fix what you broke." Awesome. If I'm going to be friends with someone on Facebook, or I'm going to date someone; you don't get to have an opinion that you share with me. You are no longer in a position to make any judgements on my life. You can certainly have your opinion, but in the course of a break-up the right to voice it was forfeit. Once again, go away.

I totally understand the motivation for country music the older that I get. It's about real life, and that includes "stupid old pick-up trucks you never let me drive", "putting a barbed-wired fence around my heart just to keep you out", and making great memories "just fishin' ".

Cheese, Assets, and Secrets

Time. I'm re-reading "The Hobbit" right now, and there's a scene between Gollum and Bilbo where they are testing each other with riddles, and the answer to one of the darker and more twisted riddles is "time". This is one of those concepts that I constantly ponder and do a great deal of mental gymnastics with because I find it so fascinating. Of all of the different constructs of "time", the one that I find to be the most interesting is the saying "Timing is Everything".

In a word, yup.

"Timing" and "waiting" are two words that we often find go together. Mostly because we are waiting for something, and the passage of time is the only thing that is going to bring it closer. I'm just going to say it, "waiting" and "timing is everything" are two of the biggest pieces of bullshit ever handed to the human race. Whenever I have thought to myself "timing is everything", or "good things come to those who wait"; that's really a nicer way of saying "you can't have it right now". So, why put on the band-aid? Rip that thing off and see the situation for what it is...not necessarily in my (or anyone's) favor right now! And is that really bad?

Nope. Depending on how we look at it. Here's why: Cheese, Assets, and Secrets.

I keep meaning to read the book "Who Moved My Cheese?", but I think that my friend Kat explained the premise well enough to me that I can make it applicable here. Basically, there are 2 types of people, those that wait for the "cheese" to come to them or be brought to them by someone else, AND there are those who go and find their own "cheese". This blows the entire concept of "waiting" out of the water, in my opinion. If you aren't happy with your weight, for instance (as I never am!), go change it. Put the donut down, and go join a gym, get a trainer (I know a good one), and go get that cheese! Stop wishing for something to come your wait, go get it. If you're not happy with your relationship, or lack thereof, there has to be something that can be done to rekindle the spark or just find half an hour to spend together. For us single ladies (now put your hands up!) and men, staying home wishing for Mr. or Ms. Right to come along isn't really the way to do it. Go get your cheese. And it may be bad cheese, who hasn't had a date from hell or had a rough time getting started on a diet-- but I think the point is that the best way to help achieve your goals is to be proactive in them. Don't paint yourself as a victim, and be the hero or heroine in your own story. Don't think of life as happening "to" you. And being me, I am imagining myself as the sparkly, kick ass heroine in my own life.

When I was in college my dad picked up this book called "The Way We See Things". It's pretty new-agey, but a good read. It is entirely about something called Asset Thinking. We are hardwired to see the world in terms of loss. "I'm not athletic" "I have a big nose" "I need to make more money"...rather depressing. This book is all about re-training the way we look at the world and our lives, and try to think positively. So, "I have a big nose", should turn into "I have really nice eyes". Or, "I don't have the money for a vacation to Hawaii" should turn into "I just paid off my student loan or credit card!" It's all about thinking about things in terms of what we have rather than what we lack. It's hardddd. I've been consciously trying to do this, and it is pretty difficult after 26 years of doing the opposite! Here are some of my thoughts that I've been retraining:

Old: I am accumulating so much debt in student loans.

New: I'm pursuing my educational and professional dreams.

Old: I really hate that muffin-top.

New: This is the body God gave me, and I'm going to love it!

Old: I am single. Crap.

New: I'm single, financially independent, young, pretty, and have amazing friends and family! Parttttttyyyyy!!! :-)

After my engagement ended in May 2007, my dad made me read and watch the documentary "The Secret". As is the case with any book of that genre, you can't take everything as gospel, and have to take your own meaning from it. What I really got from it had to do with worrying and feeling bad: no one can make you feel badly except for yourself. So, if for instance, there's a conflict with someone, we can walk away and reflect on our actions, but to feel badly or upset is our choice. We choose to be happy or sad, have a good or bad day. And I think, that is the Secret. We can create our own feelings. We can hold onto things or let them go. So we can be upset when something, anything, ends. Or we can be happy that it happened, and only keep the good memories and lessons learned.

Those are my three biggest worries, and instead of worrying, I'm really trying to retrain and make them into positives. I've been in a financial, physical, and emotional relationship with myself for 26 years. And never once have I wanted to "break up" with myself or say "I really hate the person I've become". And I'd say that's pretty damn good. Sure, highs and lows happen, but when it comes down to it, we are first and foremost in a relationship with ourselves, and we can create our own time-table and we don't have to wait around for anything.

Hair-Washing Epiphany

The holiest season in the Christian calendar is coming to a close this weekend, and I have spent this entire Lenten season immersed in Catholic-guilt because I really couldn't think of anything to "give up" for Lent. I didn't want to go with the cookie-cutter sacrifices of chocolate, swearing, ice cream, etc. Those would be extremely difficult for me to give up in their own right, but I had wanted something more. Something that was really worth giving up, and something that I would truly miss. Anyone that knows me knows that I say that I do my best thinking when I'm in the shower, I'm really not kidding or trying to be cute; my best thinking does come about then. So, this week I was thinking about various things to discuss, when it hit me like the too hot water of my bath....I had given up something this Lenten season. But my Lent has lasted four months instead of forty days. And what I gave up has been so much more costly and ... just sad.

I'd given up being happy.

Since December, I haven't been happy with myself, my life, or my relationships with anyone. I have been struggling with an extreme amount of anger, guilt, and self-pity. This has manifested itself in a weight-gain, more break-outs (from the impressive amounts of chocolate and grease I've been consuming), trouble sleeping, never feeling calm or at ease, not enjoying the simple things, holding grudges, crying a lot, conflicting with people more, and worst of all, looking to other people to make me happy rather than finding it within myself.

So first...I'm sorry.

I had this entire picture in my head, as we all do, of what we want our lives to look like. And, so, on that fateful Saturday in December when I was humiliated and betrayed beyond conceivable thought, that "picture" in my head that I had so carefully constructed was torn into an thousand little pieces. Again. That was the worst part. Not that it happened, but that it happened again. And I became so angry with myself and with the world that I have insulated myself in this cocoon of angry resentment of and for myself and everyone around me.

This isn't about self-pity or trying to gain sympathy, I'm trying to examine what true deprivation is, and I'm finding that, at least in this case, I gave up something that is so dear, and is truly what we are all searching for in our lives....and I didn't even realize it. I thought I was happy, I thought I was doing great...until I realized that I wasn't. How can that possibly happen? You'd think that we would know when we gave something that is as precious as our personal happiness away, right? Maybe. But, maybe not. My friend consoled me once by saying "The routine will see you through"...and maybe that routine is exactly what made me overlook what I was missing. I was so immersed in the "routine" that it's taken this week away from any semblance of a routine to make me realize and fully understand what has been missing from the "routine". Me. I have been missing.

Others have seen it...a friend's husband said to me one day "Nicole, why do you look so angry?"...well part of that is that I am always thinking, so I do naturally have a somewhat serious "rest" face...but thinking about it now.. he was onto something. On St. Patrick's Day, another friend that I hadn't seen in awhile said to me "Are you happy? You don't seem happy." I was mildly insulted at the time, but again, I think he was right.

We always talk about appreciating the "little things" in life...but what about the big things? Happiness, for one. Our relationships with our friends and family. The ability to have a restful sleep (and stay asleep!) every night. I think that we tend to overlook those "big" things as just being part of the "routine", and say to ourselves "it'll get better, it'll be fine...etc". And, onward we go.

Unless we recognize what is missing and take the sucker-punch to the gut and admit to what's missing, Lent never really ends for any of us. We are stuck in the desert, being tempted by all of these outside forces that will make us think that we are happy or satisfied or fulfilled, when it's just an illusion. So we are never happy, never satisfied, always looking for the next thing to get us through...next drink, next meal, next shopping outing, next relationship, next child, next weekend, next next next. We're sacrificing and depriving ourselves of so much more than candy or caffeine. At least I know I was.

Looking to the "next" thing also isn't bad, and I don't think I need to explain how it isn't bad...you know. I'm house-hunting now. I'm thrilled, and it is the first thing in a long time that has made me excited and feel like my life is really going somewhere. That's my "next" good-thing.

The 2011 Lenten season is officially ending tomorrow with the celebration of Easter. I don't know about you, but after four months, I'm ready for my Lent to end too. :) <3

Toxins, Friends, and Freud

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

I've made some brilliant and terrible choices. I originally wanted to discuss the possibilities of men and women being friends, and to an extent, it will still be done; however, a debate I had with someone yesterday got me thinking about how equally difficult it can be for people of the same genders to be friends. Karma being what it is, I also had an experience with a "friend" yesterday that got me thinking that there is a great deal of truth to that matter.

If we are going to be honest with ourselves, friendships are difficult to maintain. As we get older, it becomes less important to have a massive quantity of friends as opposed to having a few friends of great quality. As I get older, I find myself judging those that claim to have "sooooo many friends". How can they possibly be a good friend to any of them? Which begs the question: What makes a good friend?

This isn't really a question of relativity because I think that the qualities of being a characteristically good friend are pretty universal. I have four or five close female friends, and I've got a really full plate. They keep me busy, laughing, and frustrated. And I love them dearly for all of it.

1. Common Interests/Bond: College, work, childhood...we tend to gravitate toward people that have some kind of common interests or values as us. A few of my closest friends are people that I work with; we became friends because we could commiserate or lend support with our jobs. Then, it happily turned out that we have the same addictions to shoes, shopping, and chocolate...

Another friend of mine is a friend from college, we became friends because we were in the same work study program and could discuss the finer points of management and technology with one another. And we've struggled together through the trials of life for 6 years now to be at the point where we don't even consider each other "friends" as much "family". We fight like sisters and then make up over ice cream and tears.

My high school friend is not someone that anyone would expect me to be friends with, let alone as close as we actually are. In fact her note to me in our senior yearbook was "Well, Chicken Little, I would have never put 'you' and 'I' in the same sentence, but what a sentence we've become..." And it's been a happily functioning sentence since 1999, when I sat down at her lunch table freshman year and happily announced to her that I thought we would be "great friends!" Lots of exclamation points.

2. Parallel Values: My closest friends are the women that view life similarly to the way that I do. We certainly have our differences and that is what keeps us honest and on our toes. I expect that my friends will call me out for something or be brutally honest with me about everything from the way that a pair of jeans does not flatter my badunka-dunk to if they think the current guy I'm seeing is a tool or not. I ask both questions, not because I want the answer (who wants to hear that their ass looks big?!) but because I know that they will be honest and are looking out for my best interests.

I think that it is also important to have friends that respect your values and decisions, even if they aren't ones that they would make for themselves. I choose to be a religious and spiritual person and practice my faith regularly. Some of my friends do not. My friends have never judged me for that or made me feel uncomfortable about it. And really, why would they?

In a conversation recently, my friend Steph told me to never date someone just because I think she, or any of my friends, would approve of them. As she put it, they don't have to be with that person, and it's my right to make my own choices. She said that she and her husband (who is another childhood friend) would like anyone that makes me happy and treats me nicely. Otherwise, they'll happily beat them up. (As an aside, despite their differences in size, my money would be on Steph doing more damage than her husband, especially since she became a mother.)

All in all, my friends have the same basic set of values that I do. And that is a tie that binds.

3. Respect and Trust: For me, these are bound tightly together. I can't trust someone that I don't respect, and I don't respect someone that I don't trust. We have friends because we need confidantes and secret-keepers. I have a difficult time letting someone that I don't respect be responsible for keeping my confidences and secrets. I also have to respect your opinion if I'm going to let my more vulnerable side be shown. Let's face it, when we are asking for a confidence or advice, we are opening ourselves up to someone else's opinions. At least for me, I have to value the intelligence, values, and opinions of the one I am trusting. Because of this, I also am honored and flattered when a friend will trust me with a confidence or ask my opinion due to the implied respect.

4. Disagreeing Agreeably: You take the good; you take the bad...and there you have....friendships. There are going to be times when disagreements or even arguments erupt between friends. As I said earlier, my friend/roommate and I fight like sisters. With other friends, we either passively disagree and just take a little distance, or we just let it be known "Yeah....I don't really agree with that..." There aren't any hard feelings, because we disagree agreeably and do not attack or belittle one another. We still want to be friends in an hour, so there is no sense in saying something that we would regret later. To me, you know that you have a true friend when you can disagree and get over it. And truly get over it. There isn't any room in friendships for grudges...

I'm sure that there are others, but to me, those are the "Big Four" characteristics of successfully maintaining friendships. I'm doing my "Spring Cleaning" of friendships, and yesterday, I realized that there are a few people that I cannot even attempt to remain friends with because it is a toxic situation. I was accused of "bailing" constantly and told to "stop pretending to be a friend". In a mature moment, I told this person to "stuff it". When really, what I meant was..."stuff it". I was in Mass (Palm Sunday Mass, no less) and this person had the nerve to accuse me of bailing on tentative plans. First of all, plans were tentative. I hadn't heard a definitive time, so my day was going to go on. And we'd have plans to go out during the afternoon, which she had bailed on the previous day.

First faux pas: not making definitive plans. Make definitive plans and KEEP THEM! Give a time, give a place. Second faux pas: Getting angry and making silly comments. This is one of the many times that this girl has gotten nasty entirely too quickly. And here's the third and final faux pas that has made the decision to clean her out: she is now close friends with my former boyfriend. She even described them as "really close". I realized that I can't trust her because she knows how much of a jerk he actually is (and no, I don't think that all of my ex-boyfriends are jerks) and how he ended things, and even commented on what a not-nice guy she thought he was. And NOW....they hang out and "talk all the time". What? That just defies the rules of feminism. So, toxic friend and ex-boyfriend = lemons.

Another blog will be about how men and women judge one another, but I'd like to explore the no-man's land of male/female friendships. There are, in my opinion, only certain conditions when men and women can actually be friends. The first of which is when one of them is married. I don't view married men as "men". They are "so and so's husband".

Another exception to the friendship rule are friendships that have existed since childhood. In this case, I have to point out Steph's husband, Sean. He and I have been friends since we were 10. He's never progressed passed the age of 15 in my view and is still the gross football-playing brother-like person that makes fun of me with glee, intimidates my boyfriends, and provides hugs that are rib-crushing. That kind of friendship doesn't always progress in the way that mine did....for instance, Sean and Steph were childhood friends. So even then, childhood friendships can be murky waters.

All in all, I'd have to say that I really don't think that men and women are friends for the sake of just being friends in the way that women are just friends with each other or that men are just buddies. Both genders subconsciously look at their "friends" of the opposite sex as "options". In any given male/female friendship, one or both of them has been attracted to the other at any given time (and it can switch) and views them as a viable dating/hook up option and is keeping them close because of the sheer possibility that they present. I know that it is a rather simplistic view, and that there are other possibilities that I am not considering; however, in talking to married women, a few have said that they had to give up their male friends when they got married. Why? Because the men didn't necessarily respect the marriage and that the flirting had to stop. And the same has happened in reverse. Problems arise when distance and respect cannot be maintained by either the 'friend' or the person in a relationship. That has been a problem that I faced in a relationship. My former boyfriend could not understand why it drove me up a wall that he and his ex-girlfriend were constantly in contact. He would lie about it and would make excuses all the time. It created an atmosphere of distrust and was a huge catalyst in our breakup. But, staying friends with an ex is also an entirely different topic for another day as well.

I don't think that men and women "need" each other to be friends to fulfill that human need. I think that they fulfill other needs. But then again, I am a Freudian thinker.

Can you T9 "Chivalry"?

Chivalry is dead.

Or is it?

Is chivalry really dead, or do we have to look for a new type of chivalry? One that may not be so obvious because it fits into this post-modern society that we are living in today. A society that flaunts its non-traditionalist views and a generation that uses "facebooking" as a verb would almost certainly have its own brand of chivalry. In the decade that I've been part of the dating realm, I've seen vestiges of your grandmother's chivalry, as well as other, more subtle types employed by the men of this generation.

Before I go into what I view as today's chivalry, I'd like to first qualify the current dating scene that those of us that are single are still acting within. Dating is decidedly different today than it was even as little as 10 years ago. The advent of Facebook, Smartphones, texting, and various other technological advances that have made our lives easier in many ways has also muddied the already opaque waters of the dating world. Let's think about this...there's absolutely no mystique about dating anymore. There are companies that are making millions of dollars whose entire purpose is to set you up with people that are compatible with you online. For anyone that's tried an online dating site, and I'll raise my hand to that one, you know about all of the information that you're required or encouraged to post before you even meet someone. Everything from your smoking habits, to religious beliefs, to job/career (and yes, even salaries can be posted), to if you want children(!) can be published in your online dating profile. So...forget about what is left to talk about on a first date...in my experience, religious beliefs and the idea of children don't usually come up within the first three to five dates! And now, those personal details are in plain view! Your online dating resume is complete. And you're boring and have nothing left to offer to the conversation before you've even gone out. Yikes.

Let's also discuss Facebook. It's probably not a good idea, in hindsight, to Facebook someone you've gone on one date with...do you really want to see their college pics or scandalous Caribbean vacation before you've gotten to know them? And, who the hell is that girl hugging him in the pictures and the other one writing on his wall?! Oh....that's his sister and best friend's girlfriend? My bad.

See what I mean?

Texting...bbm-ing...the whole cyber-world has totally over-taken a phone call as our primary method of contacting someone. We are living in a world of instant-gratification. There's no sense of patience or being thrilled by the unexpected anymore! (Blackberry users have it even worse because the messages on bbm are either marked "D" for delivered or "A" for being read...not sure the technical term, and it drives us crazzzzy because we know someone has read our message and isn't responding for some reason!) And hasn't that seriously taken a little bit of the fun out of dating? We don't even respect when someone that we are dating is working because it's (almost) expected that everyone checks their texts on a break or at lunch and gets back to us! Pressure much?

I'm trying to take a step back and not wait for the texts to come in, and I'm kind of looking at it as the "glass is already broken"...not half full, not half empty, but just cracked and saying "it's all good". A crack can be fixed and redeemed. I'd like to be surprised when something works out, or when I get a fun little text...rather than have cyber-stalked and joined an online-dating service that essentially forces the issue.

But, I digress. Chivalry.

The kids are alright! I may be relatively lucky in whom I've dated, but I've never had someone not hold the door for me, or even suggest that we split the check. I've encountered the opposite where guys have gotten irritated if I offered or in the rare occasion that I did have to pay for us. Male friends of mine even refuse to let me pay for myself when I'm out with them. They also readily give up their chair or seat at the bar or restaurant and, depending upon where we are standing, put themselves between me and a door. I've been out where my date forgot his wallet in the car, and while the easier (and non-chivalrous) thing would have been to just let me pay since my wallet was inside, he went back out to the car and got his wallet. Kudos to all of the guys that have done anything mentioned in the previous sentences! Your mothers should be proud!

I see a few new(er) things that we do that my parents' generation doesn't really understand. But I think these are chivalrous behaviors because they are actually very respectful and fit into today's technologically advanced society AND the new rules of feminism.

1. He gives her his phone number. Yes, I know that this goes directly against what the traditional rule of dating is: he should be asking her for her phone number. But I think that the men today are acknowledging that there really isn't any kind of polite way for the girl to say "thanks, but I don't like you enough to give you my number". It's also acknowledging our choice in the matter of whether or not we want to talk to him again. He's already shown his interest by providing his phone number, and now if we are interested, we can either be even more smooth and say "How about I give you MY number and you can text/call me?" (I've done this, works great!) OR we can take the number and think about if we want to have further contact with them. Three day rule works both ways, baby.

2. The "meet" instead of "pick up". I'm sorry, but there is no way in hell that a guy is going to pick me up for our first...three(ish)...dates. I don't want him knowing where I live. I've seen too many "Criminal Minds" and "Law and Order" episodes to trust someone with my address too early. And I've heard from my parents "He should be picking you up". Hell. No. There are some really legit scary people out there, and I'd like to vet them a little bit before giving them access to my home. Seriously, I can't be too careful, I have a cat to think of and all. A guy that tries to force the pick-up within the first few dates isn't someone that most girls I know would readily trust because we want to know why he wants to know where we live, and if he is hoping for an invitation inside. By letting us have our own transportation the first few times we go out, we as women are allowed to have some control over our situation and it shows us that this guy is patient and understands that we have to take care of ourselves. **This stops being chivalrous if you never pick us up, gentlemen. Think three dates, then start offering to pick up.**

3. Texting/Calling First. As women, we still like to be pursued. So the game of "who texted first today" is a new one given technology. For me, it goes a long way to not be the first one to text first. Even if it's a simple "hey", I've appreciated the overture and accept it as an opening to a conversation. The text has, unfortunately, become the modern phone call. The chivalrous (and successful) man will make the first move with this one. Old idea, just packaged differently to fit the time.

Chivalry isn't dead, we just have to look a little harder to find it. But let's not forget that some tried and true ways of dating truly are the best. Leave some mystery to your potential lover, and put the phone down, cancel your online dating subscription, and close the computer. As for me, I'm probably going to "upgrade" my phone to a non-smart phone next month. :-)

Sweat Happens

Embarrassing, uncomfortable...and well...wet. Nope, I'm not talking about a failed sexual encounter, I'm talking about arm-pitt stains.

Everyone gets them, or HAS gotten them. Anyone who denies it is clearly lying, and that's another post entirely. But what is so bad about them? For the wearer, sure, they're a clear sign that we're under some kind of stress or, are at the very least, warm. My first year of teaching, I wore layers or light colors, or black when I'd get observed because I'd be so nervous that I knew those tell-tale little marks would be showing through the course of the day. So, on this Sunday before I head out food-shopping and over-analyzing every detail of my life, I'd like to take some time to explore and possibly remove "arm-pitt stains" from the category of "lemon" in our daily lives.

In bringing up this topic to various ages and genders, I have found that our profound hatred of APS starts somewhere around middle school. Pre-teens and young teenagers view APS as extremely embarrassing and gross. Something is wrong with you if you get APS. Wear deodorant, shower, get a clean shirt...the list goes on to explain where their disdain for APS comes from. They snicker and talk about who has APS and even say that they don't want to be in close proximity to that person. Poor stained soul. Simple hormones and biology clearly don't figure into the equation when one is 13, but that's to be expected from an age group that views 30 as old and a month-long relationship as significant.

As we get older, I've found that the stigma of APS gets less and less. Particularly because our bodies are a little more well-adjusted and maybe we just don't sweat as much(?), BUT, also I think because there are so many other things to worry about, that a little thing like sweat isn't going to ruin our day. In fact, at least among those of my acquaintance, APS is a joke. Sure, we buy our clinical strength deodorants (Degree Clinical is legit!)...but I think somewhere along the way we stop caring. If you're in the gym, and you see someone working out and they're sweating, APS is almost a badge of honor. That person, male or female, is getting their swell on so hard that they are profusely sweating and need that natural help to cool down. Thumbs up.

I was out the other night and it was so crowded and so hot on the dance floor that everyone was "glistening" a little bit. I didn't see it diminishing anyone's inclination to keep dancing, nor did it stop anyone from gettin' their "bump and grind" on....quite the opposite. I'm not a scientist, but I've heard of pheromones, and they must be released through sweat or something because Twiggy couldn't pass through some couples and there was a lot of affection being shown...in short, sweat didn't put a damper on the situation. Pun intended. Another thumbs up.

In thinking about this more and more, why are we embarrassed by sweat or APS? There are so many other things to care about, and really, don't we want to see that someone is committed to what they are doing? Whether that be working extra hard at our jobs, exercising, or dancing, we do like to see commitment from those around us. Someone making a presentation or working really hard is getting their adrenaline going, and maybe that makes them break out in a sweat. Hey, they're working here. Cut some slack. Someone exercising just wants to look good naked or get in shape for swimsuit season. No qualms here. Dancing at a bar or club, hey if it's a good bar or club, it's going to be crowded and dancing is aerobic in nature (my sore feet and legs speak to this truth--dancing in heels is tough work)...so sweat happens.

Among friends, APS, and everything else, can be turned into a joking matter. A friend of mine has on her facebook page a great quote "Say what you mean and do what you want. The people who mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind". Let's apply that to APS. Who would you rather be friends with...the insecure person that hides their APS by only putting their arms up half-way or being the party-pooper who doesn't start jumping around like a maniac to "Jump Around"? OR the confident person that can laugh at themselves, throw up their arms, and say "HELL YEAH, I'm having a great time!"