Can you T9 "Chivalry"?

Chivalry is dead.

Or is it?

Is chivalry really dead, or do we have to look for a new type of chivalry? One that may not be so obvious because it fits into this post-modern society that we are living in today. A society that flaunts its non-traditionalist views and a generation that uses "facebooking" as a verb would almost certainly have its own brand of chivalry. In the decade that I've been part of the dating realm, I've seen vestiges of your grandmother's chivalry, as well as other, more subtle types employed by the men of this generation.

Before I go into what I view as today's chivalry, I'd like to first qualify the current dating scene that those of us that are single are still acting within. Dating is decidedly different today than it was even as little as 10 years ago. The advent of Facebook, Smartphones, texting, and various other technological advances that have made our lives easier in many ways has also muddied the already opaque waters of the dating world. Let's think about this...there's absolutely no mystique about dating anymore. There are companies that are making millions of dollars whose entire purpose is to set you up with people that are compatible with you online. For anyone that's tried an online dating site, and I'll raise my hand to that one, you know about all of the information that you're required or encouraged to post before you even meet someone. Everything from your smoking habits, to religious beliefs, to job/career (and yes, even salaries can be posted), to if you want children(!) can be published in your online dating profile. So...forget about what is left to talk about on a first date...in my experience, religious beliefs and the idea of children don't usually come up within the first three to five dates! And now, those personal details are in plain view! Your online dating resume is complete. And you're boring and have nothing left to offer to the conversation before you've even gone out. Yikes.

Let's also discuss Facebook. It's probably not a good idea, in hindsight, to Facebook someone you've gone on one date with...do you really want to see their college pics or scandalous Caribbean vacation before you've gotten to know them? And, who the hell is that girl hugging him in the pictures and the other one writing on his wall?! Oh....that's his sister and best friend's girlfriend? My bad.

See what I mean?

Texting...bbm-ing...the whole cyber-world has totally over-taken a phone call as our primary method of contacting someone. We are living in a world of instant-gratification. There's no sense of patience or being thrilled by the unexpected anymore! (Blackberry users have it even worse because the messages on bbm are either marked "D" for delivered or "A" for being read...not sure the technical term, and it drives us crazzzzy because we know someone has read our message and isn't responding for some reason!) And hasn't that seriously taken a little bit of the fun out of dating? We don't even respect when someone that we are dating is working because it's (almost) expected that everyone checks their texts on a break or at lunch and gets back to us! Pressure much?

I'm trying to take a step back and not wait for the texts to come in, and I'm kind of looking at it as the "glass is already broken"...not half full, not half empty, but just cracked and saying "it's all good". A crack can be fixed and redeemed. I'd like to be surprised when something works out, or when I get a fun little text...rather than have cyber-stalked and joined an online-dating service that essentially forces the issue.

But, I digress. Chivalry.

The kids are alright! I may be relatively lucky in whom I've dated, but I've never had someone not hold the door for me, or even suggest that we split the check. I've encountered the opposite where guys have gotten irritated if I offered or in the rare occasion that I did have to pay for us. Male friends of mine even refuse to let me pay for myself when I'm out with them. They also readily give up their chair or seat at the bar or restaurant and, depending upon where we are standing, put themselves between me and a door. I've been out where my date forgot his wallet in the car, and while the easier (and non-chivalrous) thing would have been to just let me pay since my wallet was inside, he went back out to the car and got his wallet. Kudos to all of the guys that have done anything mentioned in the previous sentences! Your mothers should be proud!

I see a few new(er) things that we do that my parents' generation doesn't really understand. But I think these are chivalrous behaviors because they are actually very respectful and fit into today's technologically advanced society AND the new rules of feminism.

1. He gives her his phone number. Yes, I know that this goes directly against what the traditional rule of dating is: he should be asking her for her phone number. But I think that the men today are acknowledging that there really isn't any kind of polite way for the girl to say "thanks, but I don't like you enough to give you my number". It's also acknowledging our choice in the matter of whether or not we want to talk to him again. He's already shown his interest by providing his phone number, and now if we are interested, we can either be even more smooth and say "How about I give you MY number and you can text/call me?" (I've done this, works great!) OR we can take the number and think about if we want to have further contact with them. Three day rule works both ways, baby.

2. The "meet" instead of "pick up". I'm sorry, but there is no way in hell that a guy is going to pick me up for our first...three(ish)...dates. I don't want him knowing where I live. I've seen too many "Criminal Minds" and "Law and Order" episodes to trust someone with my address too early. And I've heard from my parents "He should be picking you up". Hell. No. There are some really legit scary people out there, and I'd like to vet them a little bit before giving them access to my home. Seriously, I can't be too careful, I have a cat to think of and all. A guy that tries to force the pick-up within the first few dates isn't someone that most girls I know would readily trust because we want to know why he wants to know where we live, and if he is hoping for an invitation inside. By letting us have our own transportation the first few times we go out, we as women are allowed to have some control over our situation and it shows us that this guy is patient and understands that we have to take care of ourselves. **This stops being chivalrous if you never pick us up, gentlemen. Think three dates, then start offering to pick up.**

3. Texting/Calling First. As women, we still like to be pursued. So the game of "who texted first today" is a new one given technology. For me, it goes a long way to not be the first one to text first. Even if it's a simple "hey", I've appreciated the overture and accept it as an opening to a conversation. The text has, unfortunately, become the modern phone call. The chivalrous (and successful) man will make the first move with this one. Old idea, just packaged differently to fit the time.

Chivalry isn't dead, we just have to look a little harder to find it. But let's not forget that some tried and true ways of dating truly are the best. Leave some mystery to your potential lover, and put the phone down, cancel your online dating subscription, and close the computer. As for me, I'm probably going to "upgrade" my phone to a non-smart phone next month. :-)