Hair-Washing Epiphany

The holiest season in the Christian calendar is coming to a close this weekend, and I have spent this entire Lenten season immersed in Catholic-guilt because I really couldn't think of anything to "give up" for Lent. I didn't want to go with the cookie-cutter sacrifices of chocolate, swearing, ice cream, etc. Those would be extremely difficult for me to give up in their own right, but I had wanted something more. Something that was really worth giving up, and something that I would truly miss. Anyone that knows me knows that I say that I do my best thinking when I'm in the shower, I'm really not kidding or trying to be cute; my best thinking does come about then. So, this week I was thinking about various things to discuss, when it hit me like the too hot water of my bath....I had given up something this Lenten season. But my Lent has lasted four months instead of forty days. And what I gave up has been so much more costly and ... just sad.

I'd given up being happy.

Since December, I haven't been happy with myself, my life, or my relationships with anyone. I have been struggling with an extreme amount of anger, guilt, and self-pity. This has manifested itself in a weight-gain, more break-outs (from the impressive amounts of chocolate and grease I've been consuming), trouble sleeping, never feeling calm or at ease, not enjoying the simple things, holding grudges, crying a lot, conflicting with people more, and worst of all, looking to other people to make me happy rather than finding it within myself.

So first...I'm sorry.

I had this entire picture in my head, as we all do, of what we want our lives to look like. And, so, on that fateful Saturday in December when I was humiliated and betrayed beyond conceivable thought, that "picture" in my head that I had so carefully constructed was torn into an thousand little pieces. Again. That was the worst part. Not that it happened, but that it happened again. And I became so angry with myself and with the world that I have insulated myself in this cocoon of angry resentment of and for myself and everyone around me.

This isn't about self-pity or trying to gain sympathy, I'm trying to examine what true deprivation is, and I'm finding that, at least in this case, I gave up something that is so dear, and is truly what we are all searching for in our lives....and I didn't even realize it. I thought I was happy, I thought I was doing great...until I realized that I wasn't. How can that possibly happen? You'd think that we would know when we gave something that is as precious as our personal happiness away, right? Maybe. But, maybe not. My friend consoled me once by saying "The routine will see you through"...and maybe that routine is exactly what made me overlook what I was missing. I was so immersed in the "routine" that it's taken this week away from any semblance of a routine to make me realize and fully understand what has been missing from the "routine". Me. I have been missing.

Others have seen it...a friend's husband said to me one day "Nicole, why do you look so angry?"...well part of that is that I am always thinking, so I do naturally have a somewhat serious "rest" face...but thinking about it now.. he was onto something. On St. Patrick's Day, another friend that I hadn't seen in awhile said to me "Are you happy? You don't seem happy." I was mildly insulted at the time, but again, I think he was right.

We always talk about appreciating the "little things" in life...but what about the big things? Happiness, for one. Our relationships with our friends and family. The ability to have a restful sleep (and stay asleep!) every night. I think that we tend to overlook those "big" things as just being part of the "routine", and say to ourselves "it'll get better, it'll be fine...etc". And, onward we go.

Unless we recognize what is missing and take the sucker-punch to the gut and admit to what's missing, Lent never really ends for any of us. We are stuck in the desert, being tempted by all of these outside forces that will make us think that we are happy or satisfied or fulfilled, when it's just an illusion. So we are never happy, never satisfied, always looking for the next thing to get us through...next drink, next meal, next shopping outing, next relationship, next child, next weekend, next next next. We're sacrificing and depriving ourselves of so much more than candy or caffeine. At least I know I was.

Looking to the "next" thing also isn't bad, and I don't think I need to explain how it isn't bad...you know. I'm house-hunting now. I'm thrilled, and it is the first thing in a long time that has made me excited and feel like my life is really going somewhere. That's my "next" good-thing.

The 2011 Lenten season is officially ending tomorrow with the celebration of Easter. I don't know about you, but after four months, I'm ready for my Lent to end too. :) <3