Break-Up Etiquette 101

I think that everyone should be a fan of country music. If you don't understand it, then you probably think that it's just about pick-up trucks, lost love, and fishing. But, I love listening to country because those songs are actually about life. Don't get me wrong, I love me my J.Lo and Britney, but if I want to feel connected to music, I listen to country. Country concerts are the best experiences because of the types of people that go...it's the least pretentious and most laid back and fun group. Last year, I went to a concert with a group of friends, and a beer pong tournament was started by my friends heckling random passers-by to play (and lose!) to them. Awesome. Cowboy hats, boots, plaid shirts, bbq, and beer. It is American nostalgia at its best.

That being said, I'm feeling the angry, self-righteous power-girl kind of country right now. "Red High Heels", "Picture to Burn", "You Lie", and others are running through my head right now because of the horrific breach(es) of post-break-up etiquette my ex-boyfriend continues to demonstrate. I think that there are certain rules to a break up that some people just doesn't get. Let's review:

1. We broke up, we are not friends.

One of my favorite movies, "Cocktail", sums up break-ups in a line "All things end badly or else they wouldn't end." Exactly. I don't care how "mutual" a break up appears to be, there was someone who initiated it and someone who was just hurt and surprised. SO, when you break up with me in a parking lot because our exchange needs to be "audio and video recorded", don't you dare try to dance with me a birthday party. We are not friends. I don't like you. My friends don't like you. My family doesn't like you. Just go away.

The entire concept of attempting to be friends with an ex is just lunacy. Why do we try to hold onto these people and keep them in our lives? The only thing that I can come up with is that we are all inherently "people pleasers" and don't want to be seen as the "bad one" or an "ass" or a "bitch". Personally, I don't consider any of my exes my friends. I am on friendly terms with two of them, and that is mostly because so much time has gone by where the hurt feelings are a thing of the past, and we no longer see each other as "options". But as far as being friends, that's a real stretch. I don't call them to go out, I don't confide in them, I don't plan vacations with them...etc. I think that we confuse being polite and civil in social situations as being "friends". I'll always be polite and civil in public, but that doesn't mean for one second that I am to be confused as being a friend.

When a break up happens, the two people involved wanted out of each other's lives for one reason or another, so WHY do we sometimes want back in through the "friendship" door? Sorry, but the rule is, that door is locked.

2. "Ex" and "Booty Call" are NOT synonymous.

I've thankfully never had this happen to me, but I know men and women who are broken up using one another for hook-ups. I get it, we have needs, wants, etc. And an ex is familiar and comforting in many ways. But again....the person that you want to get your whooppeee on with was someone that either hurt you really badly or someone that you couldn't stand to be with in a relationship anymore! WHYYYY are you sleeping with them?! That's not going to get them back, it's not going to make it any easier to get over them (no matter which side of the break up you were on), and it's going to make a difficult situation even more difficult. Just let them go. If you didn't want to be in a relationship with one another, with the good and the bad, you don't get to have the a la carte of just the benefits.

3. Don't date my friends.

Yeah, it's the greatest revenge sometimes, but seriously? We aren't in high school anymore. And I'm not talking about the acquaintances that were invited to parties and larger get-togethers, those men/women are perfectly fine because they were on the periphery. Don't try to date or hook-up with the core group of friends. That's just so wrong. There really isn't a whole lot to say here...just don't do it. If you want revenge, lose some weight or get a great haircut. Or pull the Kate Middleton and look fantastic while having a great time without your ex.

4. "Custody" of certain friends is NOT shared.

In this case, the origin of the friendship needs to be examined in order to determine custody. Here is an example to illustrate my point: Billy becomes friends with Steve and Tammy through dating Liz. Tammy and Steve were good friends of Liz's before Billy came into the picture. Liz and Billy break up. Custody of Steve and Tammy goes to Liz. UNLESS there are extreme circumstances in which Liz was the one who was in the wrong in the course of the break up. Follow? This includes Facebook. Don't "friend" them on Facebook, and make an effort with my friends AFTER we break up. Especially when no effort was made during the relationship.

If two people who are both part of a group of mutual friends start dating and break up, custody is shared and is determined by the friends themselves. You'll unfortunately have to see one another in public, if you both choose to remain in the group. It'll be awkward, and one of you will most likely end up pulling away at least a little bit.

5. You have no say over my life, and no right to any opinions about it.

In Season 2 of "Grey's Anatomy", Meredith went through this really wild phase after Derek left her for Addison and he had the nerve to call her a whore. Her response was the most amazing thing ever: "You don't get to call me a whore and you don't get to judge how I fix what you broke." Awesome. If I'm going to be friends with someone on Facebook, or I'm going to date someone; you don't get to have an opinion that you share with me. You are no longer in a position to make any judgements on my life. You can certainly have your opinion, but in the course of a break-up the right to voice it was forfeit. Once again, go away.

I totally understand the motivation for country music the older that I get. It's about real life, and that includes "stupid old pick-up trucks you never let me drive", "putting a barbed-wired fence around my heart just to keep you out", and making great memories "just fishin' ".

Cheese, Assets, and Secrets

Time. I'm re-reading "The Hobbit" right now, and there's a scene between Gollum and Bilbo where they are testing each other with riddles, and the answer to one of the darker and more twisted riddles is "time". This is one of those concepts that I constantly ponder and do a great deal of mental gymnastics with because I find it so fascinating. Of all of the different constructs of "time", the one that I find to be the most interesting is the saying "Timing is Everything".

In a word, yup.

"Timing" and "waiting" are two words that we often find go together. Mostly because we are waiting for something, and the passage of time is the only thing that is going to bring it closer. I'm just going to say it, "waiting" and "timing is everything" are two of the biggest pieces of bullshit ever handed to the human race. Whenever I have thought to myself "timing is everything", or "good things come to those who wait"; that's really a nicer way of saying "you can't have it right now". So, why put on the band-aid? Rip that thing off and see the situation for what it is...not necessarily in my (or anyone's) favor right now! And is that really bad?

Nope. Depending on how we look at it. Here's why: Cheese, Assets, and Secrets.

I keep meaning to read the book "Who Moved My Cheese?", but I think that my friend Kat explained the premise well enough to me that I can make it applicable here. Basically, there are 2 types of people, those that wait for the "cheese" to come to them or be brought to them by someone else, AND there are those who go and find their own "cheese". This blows the entire concept of "waiting" out of the water, in my opinion. If you aren't happy with your weight, for instance (as I never am!), go change it. Put the donut down, and go join a gym, get a trainer (I know a good one), and go get that cheese! Stop wishing for something to come your wait, go get it. If you're not happy with your relationship, or lack thereof, there has to be something that can be done to rekindle the spark or just find half an hour to spend together. For us single ladies (now put your hands up!) and men, staying home wishing for Mr. or Ms. Right to come along isn't really the way to do it. Go get your cheese. And it may be bad cheese, who hasn't had a date from hell or had a rough time getting started on a diet-- but I think the point is that the best way to help achieve your goals is to be proactive in them. Don't paint yourself as a victim, and be the hero or heroine in your own story. Don't think of life as happening "to" you. And being me, I am imagining myself as the sparkly, kick ass heroine in my own life.

When I was in college my dad picked up this book called "The Way We See Things". It's pretty new-agey, but a good read. It is entirely about something called Asset Thinking. We are hardwired to see the world in terms of loss. "I'm not athletic" "I have a big nose" "I need to make more money"...rather depressing. This book is all about re-training the way we look at the world and our lives, and try to think positively. So, "I have a big nose", should turn into "I have really nice eyes". Or, "I don't have the money for a vacation to Hawaii" should turn into "I just paid off my student loan or credit card!" It's all about thinking about things in terms of what we have rather than what we lack. It's hardddd. I've been consciously trying to do this, and it is pretty difficult after 26 years of doing the opposite! Here are some of my thoughts that I've been retraining:

Old: I am accumulating so much debt in student loans.

New: I'm pursuing my educational and professional dreams.

Old: I really hate that muffin-top.

New: This is the body God gave me, and I'm going to love it!

Old: I am single. Crap.

New: I'm single, financially independent, young, pretty, and have amazing friends and family! Parttttttyyyyy!!! :-)

After my engagement ended in May 2007, my dad made me read and watch the documentary "The Secret". As is the case with any book of that genre, you can't take everything as gospel, and have to take your own meaning from it. What I really got from it had to do with worrying and feeling bad: no one can make you feel badly except for yourself. So, if for instance, there's a conflict with someone, we can walk away and reflect on our actions, but to feel badly or upset is our choice. We choose to be happy or sad, have a good or bad day. And I think, that is the Secret. We can create our own feelings. We can hold onto things or let them go. So we can be upset when something, anything, ends. Or we can be happy that it happened, and only keep the good memories and lessons learned.

Those are my three biggest worries, and instead of worrying, I'm really trying to retrain and make them into positives. I've been in a financial, physical, and emotional relationship with myself for 26 years. And never once have I wanted to "break up" with myself or say "I really hate the person I've become". And I'd say that's pretty damn good. Sure, highs and lows happen, but when it comes down to it, we are first and foremost in a relationship with ourselves, and we can create our own time-table and we don't have to wait around for anything.