Hair-Washing Epiphany

The holiest season in the Christian calendar is coming to a close this weekend, and I have spent this entire Lenten season immersed in Catholic-guilt because I really couldn't think of anything to "give up" for Lent. I didn't want to go with the cookie-cutter sacrifices of chocolate, swearing, ice cream, etc. Those would be extremely difficult for me to give up in their own right, but I had wanted something more. Something that was really worth giving up, and something that I would truly miss. Anyone that knows me knows that I say that I do my best thinking when I'm in the shower, I'm really not kidding or trying to be cute; my best thinking does come about then. So, this week I was thinking about various things to discuss, when it hit me like the too hot water of my bath....I had given up something this Lenten season. But my Lent has lasted four months instead of forty days. And what I gave up has been so much more costly and ... just sad.

I'd given up being happy.

Since December, I haven't been happy with myself, my life, or my relationships with anyone. I have been struggling with an extreme amount of anger, guilt, and self-pity. This has manifested itself in a weight-gain, more break-outs (from the impressive amounts of chocolate and grease I've been consuming), trouble sleeping, never feeling calm or at ease, not enjoying the simple things, holding grudges, crying a lot, conflicting with people more, and worst of all, looking to other people to make me happy rather than finding it within myself.

So first...I'm sorry.

I had this entire picture in my head, as we all do, of what we want our lives to look like. And, so, on that fateful Saturday in December when I was humiliated and betrayed beyond conceivable thought, that "picture" in my head that I had so carefully constructed was torn into an thousand little pieces. Again. That was the worst part. Not that it happened, but that it happened again. And I became so angry with myself and with the world that I have insulated myself in this cocoon of angry resentment of and for myself and everyone around me.

This isn't about self-pity or trying to gain sympathy, I'm trying to examine what true deprivation is, and I'm finding that, at least in this case, I gave up something that is so dear, and is truly what we are all searching for in our lives....and I didn't even realize it. I thought I was happy, I thought I was doing great...until I realized that I wasn't. How can that possibly happen? You'd think that we would know when we gave something that is as precious as our personal happiness away, right? Maybe. But, maybe not. My friend consoled me once by saying "The routine will see you through"...and maybe that routine is exactly what made me overlook what I was missing. I was so immersed in the "routine" that it's taken this week away from any semblance of a routine to make me realize and fully understand what has been missing from the "routine". Me. I have been missing.

Others have seen it...a friend's husband said to me one day "Nicole, why do you look so angry?"...well part of that is that I am always thinking, so I do naturally have a somewhat serious "rest" face...but thinking about it now.. he was onto something. On St. Patrick's Day, another friend that I hadn't seen in awhile said to me "Are you happy? You don't seem happy." I was mildly insulted at the time, but again, I think he was right.

We always talk about appreciating the "little things" in life...but what about the big things? Happiness, for one. Our relationships with our friends and family. The ability to have a restful sleep (and stay asleep!) every night. I think that we tend to overlook those "big" things as just being part of the "routine", and say to ourselves "it'll get better, it'll be fine...etc". And, onward we go.

Unless we recognize what is missing and take the sucker-punch to the gut and admit to what's missing, Lent never really ends for any of us. We are stuck in the desert, being tempted by all of these outside forces that will make us think that we are happy or satisfied or fulfilled, when it's just an illusion. So we are never happy, never satisfied, always looking for the next thing to get us through...next drink, next meal, next shopping outing, next relationship, next child, next weekend, next next next. We're sacrificing and depriving ourselves of so much more than candy or caffeine. At least I know I was.

Looking to the "next" thing also isn't bad, and I don't think I need to explain how it isn't bad...you know. I'm house-hunting now. I'm thrilled, and it is the first thing in a long time that has made me excited and feel like my life is really going somewhere. That's my "next" good-thing.

The 2011 Lenten season is officially ending tomorrow with the celebration of Easter. I don't know about you, but after four months, I'm ready for my Lent to end too. :) <3

Toxins, Friends, and Freud

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

I've made some brilliant and terrible choices. I originally wanted to discuss the possibilities of men and women being friends, and to an extent, it will still be done; however, a debate I had with someone yesterday got me thinking about how equally difficult it can be for people of the same genders to be friends. Karma being what it is, I also had an experience with a "friend" yesterday that got me thinking that there is a great deal of truth to that matter.

If we are going to be honest with ourselves, friendships are difficult to maintain. As we get older, it becomes less important to have a massive quantity of friends as opposed to having a few friends of great quality. As I get older, I find myself judging those that claim to have "sooooo many friends". How can they possibly be a good friend to any of them? Which begs the question: What makes a good friend?

This isn't really a question of relativity because I think that the qualities of being a characteristically good friend are pretty universal. I have four or five close female friends, and I've got a really full plate. They keep me busy, laughing, and frustrated. And I love them dearly for all of it.

1. Common Interests/Bond: College, work, childhood...we tend to gravitate toward people that have some kind of common interests or values as us. A few of my closest friends are people that I work with; we became friends because we could commiserate or lend support with our jobs. Then, it happily turned out that we have the same addictions to shoes, shopping, and chocolate...

Another friend of mine is a friend from college, we became friends because we were in the same work study program and could discuss the finer points of management and technology with one another. And we've struggled together through the trials of life for 6 years now to be at the point where we don't even consider each other "friends" as much "family". We fight like sisters and then make up over ice cream and tears.

My high school friend is not someone that anyone would expect me to be friends with, let alone as close as we actually are. In fact her note to me in our senior yearbook was "Well, Chicken Little, I would have never put 'you' and 'I' in the same sentence, but what a sentence we've become..." And it's been a happily functioning sentence since 1999, when I sat down at her lunch table freshman year and happily announced to her that I thought we would be "great friends!" Lots of exclamation points.

2. Parallel Values: My closest friends are the women that view life similarly to the way that I do. We certainly have our differences and that is what keeps us honest and on our toes. I expect that my friends will call me out for something or be brutally honest with me about everything from the way that a pair of jeans does not flatter my badunka-dunk to if they think the current guy I'm seeing is a tool or not. I ask both questions, not because I want the answer (who wants to hear that their ass looks big?!) but because I know that they will be honest and are looking out for my best interests.

I think that it is also important to have friends that respect your values and decisions, even if they aren't ones that they would make for themselves. I choose to be a religious and spiritual person and practice my faith regularly. Some of my friends do not. My friends have never judged me for that or made me feel uncomfortable about it. And really, why would they?

In a conversation recently, my friend Steph told me to never date someone just because I think she, or any of my friends, would approve of them. As she put it, they don't have to be with that person, and it's my right to make my own choices. She said that she and her husband (who is another childhood friend) would like anyone that makes me happy and treats me nicely. Otherwise, they'll happily beat them up. (As an aside, despite their differences in size, my money would be on Steph doing more damage than her husband, especially since she became a mother.)

All in all, my friends have the same basic set of values that I do. And that is a tie that binds.

3. Respect and Trust: For me, these are bound tightly together. I can't trust someone that I don't respect, and I don't respect someone that I don't trust. We have friends because we need confidantes and secret-keepers. I have a difficult time letting someone that I don't respect be responsible for keeping my confidences and secrets. I also have to respect your opinion if I'm going to let my more vulnerable side be shown. Let's face it, when we are asking for a confidence or advice, we are opening ourselves up to someone else's opinions. At least for me, I have to value the intelligence, values, and opinions of the one I am trusting. Because of this, I also am honored and flattered when a friend will trust me with a confidence or ask my opinion due to the implied respect.

4. Disagreeing Agreeably: You take the good; you take the bad...and there you have....friendships. There are going to be times when disagreements or even arguments erupt between friends. As I said earlier, my friend/roommate and I fight like sisters. With other friends, we either passively disagree and just take a little distance, or we just let it be known "Yeah....I don't really agree with that..." There aren't any hard feelings, because we disagree agreeably and do not attack or belittle one another. We still want to be friends in an hour, so there is no sense in saying something that we would regret later. To me, you know that you have a true friend when you can disagree and get over it. And truly get over it. There isn't any room in friendships for grudges...

I'm sure that there are others, but to me, those are the "Big Four" characteristics of successfully maintaining friendships. I'm doing my "Spring Cleaning" of friendships, and yesterday, I realized that there are a few people that I cannot even attempt to remain friends with because it is a toxic situation. I was accused of "bailing" constantly and told to "stop pretending to be a friend". In a mature moment, I told this person to "stuff it". When really, what I meant was..."stuff it". I was in Mass (Palm Sunday Mass, no less) and this person had the nerve to accuse me of bailing on tentative plans. First of all, plans were tentative. I hadn't heard a definitive time, so my day was going to go on. And we'd have plans to go out during the afternoon, which she had bailed on the previous day.

First faux pas: not making definitive plans. Make definitive plans and KEEP THEM! Give a time, give a place. Second faux pas: Getting angry and making silly comments. This is one of the many times that this girl has gotten nasty entirely too quickly. And here's the third and final faux pas that has made the decision to clean her out: she is now close friends with my former boyfriend. She even described them as "really close". I realized that I can't trust her because she knows how much of a jerk he actually is (and no, I don't think that all of my ex-boyfriends are jerks) and how he ended things, and even commented on what a not-nice guy she thought he was. And NOW....they hang out and "talk all the time". What? That just defies the rules of feminism. So, toxic friend and ex-boyfriend = lemons.

Another blog will be about how men and women judge one another, but I'd like to explore the no-man's land of male/female friendships. There are, in my opinion, only certain conditions when men and women can actually be friends. The first of which is when one of them is married. I don't view married men as "men". They are "so and so's husband".

Another exception to the friendship rule are friendships that have existed since childhood. In this case, I have to point out Steph's husband, Sean. He and I have been friends since we were 10. He's never progressed passed the age of 15 in my view and is still the gross football-playing brother-like person that makes fun of me with glee, intimidates my boyfriends, and provides hugs that are rib-crushing. That kind of friendship doesn't always progress in the way that mine did....for instance, Sean and Steph were childhood friends. So even then, childhood friendships can be murky waters.

All in all, I'd have to say that I really don't think that men and women are friends for the sake of just being friends in the way that women are just friends with each other or that men are just buddies. Both genders subconsciously look at their "friends" of the opposite sex as "options". In any given male/female friendship, one or both of them has been attracted to the other at any given time (and it can switch) and views them as a viable dating/hook up option and is keeping them close because of the sheer possibility that they present. I know that it is a rather simplistic view, and that there are other possibilities that I am not considering; however, in talking to married women, a few have said that they had to give up their male friends when they got married. Why? Because the men didn't necessarily respect the marriage and that the flirting had to stop. And the same has happened in reverse. Problems arise when distance and respect cannot be maintained by either the 'friend' or the person in a relationship. That has been a problem that I faced in a relationship. My former boyfriend could not understand why it drove me up a wall that he and his ex-girlfriend were constantly in contact. He would lie about it and would make excuses all the time. It created an atmosphere of distrust and was a huge catalyst in our breakup. But, staying friends with an ex is also an entirely different topic for another day as well.

I don't think that men and women "need" each other to be friends to fulfill that human need. I think that they fulfill other needs. But then again, I am a Freudian thinker.

Can you T9 "Chivalry"?

Chivalry is dead.

Or is it?

Is chivalry really dead, or do we have to look for a new type of chivalry? One that may not be so obvious because it fits into this post-modern society that we are living in today. A society that flaunts its non-traditionalist views and a generation that uses "facebooking" as a verb would almost certainly have its own brand of chivalry. In the decade that I've been part of the dating realm, I've seen vestiges of your grandmother's chivalry, as well as other, more subtle types employed by the men of this generation.

Before I go into what I view as today's chivalry, I'd like to first qualify the current dating scene that those of us that are single are still acting within. Dating is decidedly different today than it was even as little as 10 years ago. The advent of Facebook, Smartphones, texting, and various other technological advances that have made our lives easier in many ways has also muddied the already opaque waters of the dating world. Let's think about this...there's absolutely no mystique about dating anymore. There are companies that are making millions of dollars whose entire purpose is to set you up with people that are compatible with you online. For anyone that's tried an online dating site, and I'll raise my hand to that one, you know about all of the information that you're required or encouraged to post before you even meet someone. Everything from your smoking habits, to religious beliefs, to job/career (and yes, even salaries can be posted), to if you want children(!) can be published in your online dating profile. So...forget about what is left to talk about on a first date...in my experience, religious beliefs and the idea of children don't usually come up within the first three to five dates! And now, those personal details are in plain view! Your online dating resume is complete. And you're boring and have nothing left to offer to the conversation before you've even gone out. Yikes.

Let's also discuss Facebook. It's probably not a good idea, in hindsight, to Facebook someone you've gone on one date with...do you really want to see their college pics or scandalous Caribbean vacation before you've gotten to know them? And, who the hell is that girl hugging him in the pictures and the other one writing on his wall?! Oh....that's his sister and best friend's girlfriend? My bad.

See what I mean?

Texting...bbm-ing...the whole cyber-world has totally over-taken a phone call as our primary method of contacting someone. We are living in a world of instant-gratification. There's no sense of patience or being thrilled by the unexpected anymore! (Blackberry users have it even worse because the messages on bbm are either marked "D" for delivered or "A" for being read...not sure the technical term, and it drives us crazzzzy because we know someone has read our message and isn't responding for some reason!) And hasn't that seriously taken a little bit of the fun out of dating? We don't even respect when someone that we are dating is working because it's (almost) expected that everyone checks their texts on a break or at lunch and gets back to us! Pressure much?

I'm trying to take a step back and not wait for the texts to come in, and I'm kind of looking at it as the "glass is already broken"...not half full, not half empty, but just cracked and saying "it's all good". A crack can be fixed and redeemed. I'd like to be surprised when something works out, or when I get a fun little text...rather than have cyber-stalked and joined an online-dating service that essentially forces the issue.

But, I digress. Chivalry.

The kids are alright! I may be relatively lucky in whom I've dated, but I've never had someone not hold the door for me, or even suggest that we split the check. I've encountered the opposite where guys have gotten irritated if I offered or in the rare occasion that I did have to pay for us. Male friends of mine even refuse to let me pay for myself when I'm out with them. They also readily give up their chair or seat at the bar or restaurant and, depending upon where we are standing, put themselves between me and a door. I've been out where my date forgot his wallet in the car, and while the easier (and non-chivalrous) thing would have been to just let me pay since my wallet was inside, he went back out to the car and got his wallet. Kudos to all of the guys that have done anything mentioned in the previous sentences! Your mothers should be proud!

I see a few new(er) things that we do that my parents' generation doesn't really understand. But I think these are chivalrous behaviors because they are actually very respectful and fit into today's technologically advanced society AND the new rules of feminism.

1. He gives her his phone number. Yes, I know that this goes directly against what the traditional rule of dating is: he should be asking her for her phone number. But I think that the men today are acknowledging that there really isn't any kind of polite way for the girl to say "thanks, but I don't like you enough to give you my number". It's also acknowledging our choice in the matter of whether or not we want to talk to him again. He's already shown his interest by providing his phone number, and now if we are interested, we can either be even more smooth and say "How about I give you MY number and you can text/call me?" (I've done this, works great!) OR we can take the number and think about if we want to have further contact with them. Three day rule works both ways, baby.

2. The "meet" instead of "pick up". I'm sorry, but there is no way in hell that a guy is going to pick me up for our first...three(ish)...dates. I don't want him knowing where I live. I've seen too many "Criminal Minds" and "Law and Order" episodes to trust someone with my address too early. And I've heard from my parents "He should be picking you up". Hell. No. There are some really legit scary people out there, and I'd like to vet them a little bit before giving them access to my home. Seriously, I can't be too careful, I have a cat to think of and all. A guy that tries to force the pick-up within the first few dates isn't someone that most girls I know would readily trust because we want to know why he wants to know where we live, and if he is hoping for an invitation inside. By letting us have our own transportation the first few times we go out, we as women are allowed to have some control over our situation and it shows us that this guy is patient and understands that we have to take care of ourselves. **This stops being chivalrous if you never pick us up, gentlemen. Think three dates, then start offering to pick up.**

3. Texting/Calling First. As women, we still like to be pursued. So the game of "who texted first today" is a new one given technology. For me, it goes a long way to not be the first one to text first. Even if it's a simple "hey", I've appreciated the overture and accept it as an opening to a conversation. The text has, unfortunately, become the modern phone call. The chivalrous (and successful) man will make the first move with this one. Old idea, just packaged differently to fit the time.

Chivalry isn't dead, we just have to look a little harder to find it. But let's not forget that some tried and true ways of dating truly are the best. Leave some mystery to your potential lover, and put the phone down, cancel your online dating subscription, and close the computer. As for me, I'm probably going to "upgrade" my phone to a non-smart phone next month. :-)

Sweat Happens

Embarrassing, uncomfortable...and well...wet. Nope, I'm not talking about a failed sexual encounter, I'm talking about arm-pitt stains.

Everyone gets them, or HAS gotten them. Anyone who denies it is clearly lying, and that's another post entirely. But what is so bad about them? For the wearer, sure, they're a clear sign that we're under some kind of stress or, are at the very least, warm. My first year of teaching, I wore layers or light colors, or black when I'd get observed because I'd be so nervous that I knew those tell-tale little marks would be showing through the course of the day. So, on this Sunday before I head out food-shopping and over-analyzing every detail of my life, I'd like to take some time to explore and possibly remove "arm-pitt stains" from the category of "lemon" in our daily lives.

In bringing up this topic to various ages and genders, I have found that our profound hatred of APS starts somewhere around middle school. Pre-teens and young teenagers view APS as extremely embarrassing and gross. Something is wrong with you if you get APS. Wear deodorant, shower, get a clean shirt...the list goes on to explain where their disdain for APS comes from. They snicker and talk about who has APS and even say that they don't want to be in close proximity to that person. Poor stained soul. Simple hormones and biology clearly don't figure into the equation when one is 13, but that's to be expected from an age group that views 30 as old and a month-long relationship as significant.

As we get older, I've found that the stigma of APS gets less and less. Particularly because our bodies are a little more well-adjusted and maybe we just don't sweat as much(?), BUT, also I think because there are so many other things to worry about, that a little thing like sweat isn't going to ruin our day. In fact, at least among those of my acquaintance, APS is a joke. Sure, we buy our clinical strength deodorants (Degree Clinical is legit!)...but I think somewhere along the way we stop caring. If you're in the gym, and you see someone working out and they're sweating, APS is almost a badge of honor. That person, male or female, is getting their swell on so hard that they are profusely sweating and need that natural help to cool down. Thumbs up.

I was out the other night and it was so crowded and so hot on the dance floor that everyone was "glistening" a little bit. I didn't see it diminishing anyone's inclination to keep dancing, nor did it stop anyone from gettin' their "bump and grind" on....quite the opposite. I'm not a scientist, but I've heard of pheromones, and they must be released through sweat or something because Twiggy couldn't pass through some couples and there was a lot of affection being shown...in short, sweat didn't put a damper on the situation. Pun intended. Another thumbs up.

In thinking about this more and more, why are we embarrassed by sweat or APS? There are so many other things to care about, and really, don't we want to see that someone is committed to what they are doing? Whether that be working extra hard at our jobs, exercising, or dancing, we do like to see commitment from those around us. Someone making a presentation or working really hard is getting their adrenaline going, and maybe that makes them break out in a sweat. Hey, they're working here. Cut some slack. Someone exercising just wants to look good naked or get in shape for swimsuit season. No qualms here. Dancing at a bar or club, hey if it's a good bar or club, it's going to be crowded and dancing is aerobic in nature (my sore feet and legs speak to this truth--dancing in heels is tough work)...so sweat happens.

Among friends, APS, and everything else, can be turned into a joking matter. A friend of mine has on her facebook page a great quote "Say what you mean and do what you want. The people who mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind". Let's apply that to APS. Who would you rather be friends with...the insecure person that hides their APS by only putting their arms up half-way or being the party-pooper who doesn't start jumping around like a maniac to "Jump Around"? OR the confident person that can laugh at themselves, throw up their arms, and say "HELL YEAH, I'm having a great time!"